Zombie Apocalypse Suggestions

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Just in case the zombie apocalypse ever happens, I'm going to share few things with you. Some general sort of rules that you might want to take into consideration before you make your next move in Zombie Nation.

If you're going to hijack a car to leave the populated areas, try to get a four wheel drive and don't take the highways. Take the back roads, grid roads or go cross country. Main roads will become gridlocked and people may set up ambushes. Don't stop for fuel if you don't have to, just find another deserted car and siphon out of it. Gas stations are not friendly places in Zombie Nation.     

Don't head to the grocery store for supplies, batteries or canned goods.  Everyone else will be there, and the shelves will be ransacked already.  Go to your neighbour's house instead. You have much better odds — you versus neighbour rather than you versus neighbourhood. Who knows, he might not yet be a zombie and you can become apocalypse-partners! 

Guns are useless in the long run, so dig out your old aluminum baseball bat, a hatchet or even strap on your golf bag and get that 3-wood ready. Unless you have unlimited ammo, you may end up empty at a crucial moment.

Try to stay silent. This means leave your iPhone powered down until you need it. An untimely phone call from a concerned loved one — and there goes your awesome hiding spot. Really, nobody will be posting anything to Facebook that will be any different than the mayhem going on around you.  

Also — do not arm or supply yourself with anything velcro or potato chips, way too noisy.   Fill every available pot, pan, mug, bucket, bowl and bathtub with water before the utilities fail. Do not flush your toilet, as you may have to resort to the tank water at some point. I know, toilet tank water ... but we are talking about zombie apocalypses, so just go with it.  

Close all your windows and unplug all lights. If your newly-zombified neighbour is across the street watching, your silhouette will be a dead giveaway. (Pun intended). Actually, just flip your whole house breaker off, it's smarter to stumble around in the dark instead of accidentally leaning on a wall switch.  

Don't fall in love with someone you've just met. They may have a bite somewhere that they haven't told you about, and they may zombify during dinner and decide on you as the main course. Also, just generally most newly-formed apocalyptic relationships end tragically so it's wise to avoid them. 

Quiet places with no food and no supplies are usually deserted by Human People, so they don't attract the undead so much. A good place to hole up might be the library, a stationary store or a lawyers office. Just remember that would be BYO food. Attics and basements usually turn into dead ends and traps, so stay on main floors, leave yourself with two possible exits and keep all windows and doors within sight.

If you can't keep them visible, carefully place beer bottles upside down on the floor in front of the door or window.  If someone enters unseen, the sound of glass breaking (or at least tipping over) may give you a small head start on your escape.  

Food is everywhere you go, so don't panic needlessly. Each house you pass will probably have a pantry somewhere, and if the zombie-incubation period is short, this means they didn't have much time to eat the People food. So assuming one out of every three people is a zombie, you'll be dining just fine. Just make sure you have a manual can opener and a backpack to keep your cans in.

Personally, I think I would head to the closest Tim Horton's.  Crawl in through the drive thru window, make myself a pot of coffee, lock the back door and watch all the windows while hiding behind the donut display.  

And then go home with a dozen donuts and watch another Zombie movie.    

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  • megan
    November 26, 2012 - 17:35

    I LOVE THIS. you are far to creative, and have some seriously awesome valid suggestions and points here! im comming to your house we can be zombie partners!!!

  • Jo
    November 26, 2012 - 12:05

    LOVE this! we have had our zombie escape plan for years and routinely do practice runs in the middle of the night so that we have our timing down to a T! glad to know that im not the only one getting prepared! GREAT ARTICLE!